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Teenage suspects charged after assaulting former DOGE official Edward Big Balls Coristine.

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Teen Carjacking Showdown: Two 15‑Year‑Olds Charged After Assault on Former Neuralink Intern

The Unexpected Midnight Antics

  • Edward “Big Balls” Coristine, a 19‑year‑old software engineer and ex‑Neuralink intern, was just trying to enjoy a quiet night in Washington’s Logan Circle.
  • He and a close female friend were parked at about 3 a.m. Sunday when a rough circle of roughly ten teens swaggered into the area.
  • These youngsters heckled about “taking” his car, threatening him with an unarmed carjacking.

Coristine’s Quick‑Thinking Response

  • Realizing the danger, he sucked his friend into the vehicle for safety—no one can say he was a total loner, after all.
  • Then he faced the whole mob head‑on. Despite the chill of dawn, the assault went full force until the authorities moved in.
  • The police arrived on the scene thanks to his friend’s quick 911 call, turning an almost cartoonish scene into a real courtroom drama.

Justice Now Gets a Teen Twist

  • Two 15‑year‑olds have already been charged with unarmed carjacking, hinting that law‑enforcement is serious about holding youngsters accountable.
  • While the numbers might feel small, the impact is huge—especially when you’re a former neural technology employee jumping on the political bandwagon.

Political Reactions and Calls for Reform

  • Elon Musk fired a short but fiery shout-out on X, praising Coristine’s bravery “as a spotlight on the brave side of youth.”
  • Trump, meanwhile, posted a distressingly battered photo of Coristine on Truth Social, using it to argue that teens as young as 14 should be treated as adults in court. He also floated the idea of “federalizing” Washington to tighten up the city’s youth policy.
What Happens Next?
  • Legal teams are racing to prepare for the potential case—an unusual scenario that might turn into a landmark youth justice precedent.
  • Meanwhile, the community watches, hoping the hearings will reinforce that the city takes safety and accountability seriously—especially after the night that turned a quiet dome into a far‑away courtroom showdown.

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